Naruto: The True Story
by Tour Guide62
Summary: Its secrets have been lost for years. But now, the true story of Naruto has finally emerged! It's time to show you what really happened in the Naruto storyline! Rated T for General Randomness.
1. 12 Years Before

**Naruto: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Cross my heart and hope to die.**

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**Konoha: 12 years earlier**

Third Hokage: (_narrating_) Once, there was a 9-tailed Demon Fox known as the Kyuubi…

Kyuubi: (_waves_) _**HELLO MOTHER! **_

Third Hokage: …and when he shook these tails landslides and tsunamis would occur…

Kyuubi: (_looks at the damage he causes_) _**OH CRAP, I JUST KNOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT…**_

Third Hokage: …finally, the villagers gathered their shinobi…

Leaf Village Ninja: (_standing around drinking coffee._)

Third Hokage: AHEM!

Leaf Village Ninja: HEY! Mr. Saratoby! We don't tell you how to do your narration, you don't tell us how to fight the fox, ok?

(_Points to Kyuubi, who is destroying a bunch of innocent trees_)

Third Hokage: …Anyway, one ninja was finally able to seal the Kyuubi…

Fourth Hokage: (_Tears in his eyes_) KUSHINA! THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, BABYCAKES!

(_Seals Kyuubi)_

Third Hokage: …Having defeated the Demon, the brave shinobi died…

Fourth Hokage: Didn't see that one coming… (watches as the Shingimi takes his soul while dancing to the tune of Fergelicious.)

Third Hokage: …That shinobi was the Fourth Hokage, leader of Konoha, father of…

(_The Third Hokage is shot with a tranquilizer dart. Two men in suits from the S.P.A., the Spoiler Prevention Agency, take him away. One of them pulls out a neurolizer from Men In Black and uses it on the camera. )_

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**Welcome To Naruto: The True Story…**

**Wow… this was one short chapter.**

**Oh, well!**

**What do you think so far? Tell me by reviewing! Except if it's a flame… then I'll start crying…**


	2. Naruto Uzumaki

**Naruto: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Cross my heart and hope to die. If I did I wouldn't be looking for a job…**

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**Chapter 1: Naruto Uzumaki!**

High above the Hidden Leaf Village a certain blonde haired menace named Naruto Uzumaki was creating some… "artwork" on the Hokage Monument. For example, the stone face of the First Hokage now proudly bore the words: "I have wood."

The blonde boy himself was taking a pause and admiring his work. "AHA!" he shouted. "This will get me noticed for sure! I am so creative." He said as he examined his last graffiti. He had written the words "I am stupid (misspelled as "Stoopid")" on the stone face of the 4th Hokage.

Meanwhile, in the office of the Hokage, the 3rd Hokage was relaxing with some peaceful painting. And when painting became tedious, he got out his pipe and started to smoke.

"LORD HOKAGE!" shouted a very stressed ninja, who came bursting into the office.

"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE AND KNOCK!" Yelled the Hokage. He promptly picked up the ninja and threw him out of the office.

The ninja flew and hit the wall. After picking himself up, he turned to his associate (who had wisely stayed outside) and said, "…I think the Hokage's stoned…" He turned around and knocked on the door to the office. The Hokage threw open the door, grabbed the ninja by the shoulders, and dragged him inside saying, "Welcome! Welcome! What do I owe this pleasure?"

The ninja turned to his friend and said, "Yep, he's definitely stoned."

The two ninja told the 3rd the situation regarding Naruto and his… "artwork". After they had finished the Hokage chuckled and said, "So, you're telling me that Naruto, despite countless warnings and punishments, has willfully graffitied my face?"

The other two ninja nodded in agreement.

"WHAT DOES THAT LITTLE F****R THINK HE'S DOING!?!" Screamed the Hokage. He grabbed his hat and immediately ran through (not out) the door.

When the Hokage arrived at the Monument after his drug-induced dash, he found that he was a little late to yell at Naruto. A brunette man with a horizontal scar across his face was already yelling at him.

"But Iruka-sensei…" Naruto whined.

"No buts, Naruto! What would the Hokage say if he were here?" Iruka asked/yelled.

"HE'D SAY WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE SLOTHS IN MY HAIR!" Screamed the Hokage.

Both Naruto and Iruka jumped in surprise. They looked at the Hokage, whose eyes were rolling.

"Ummm…" said Iruka, "Are you okay, Lord Hokage?"

"ZOUNDS! WINGED SNAKES ARE CRAWLING IN MY NOSE! WAIT! SNAKES?!? OROCHIMARU! FORGIVE ME!" Shouted the poor, drug-addled, hallucinating old man.

"Sir?" asked Iruka cautiously.

"I PEEP ON WOMEN! I USED TO DO IT WITH JIRAIYA BEFORE HE LEFT!" He started to cry, "OH, HOW I MISS THAT WARTY LITTLE KID!"

"Naruto, get to class while I take the Hokage to the hospital…again." Said Iruka. "Come on sir. Let's go to the emergency room."

"I think I smoked my Viagra by mistake…" mumbled the Hokage as they walked away.

Naruto decided to do what Iruka told him to do, so he went to the Academy. When he arrived he walked to his classroom and sat down at his desk. The class then waited for Iruka to arrive.

Iruka walked into the classroom several minutes later. He collapsed on his desk and said wearily to the class, "Ok, since I'm late and tomorrow is the exam, all you have to do is a transformation jutsu and you're out of here."

An unimportant student looked up. Today was finally going to be his chance to shine. He got up, and started to walk to Iruka. Feeling full of confidence, he stopped in front of the class and…

"OUTTA MY WAY!" Yelled Naruto as he threw the kid out the window.

"CURSES!" the kid yelled as he landed on the grass outside.

"IRUKA-SENSEI!" Yelled Naruto, "CHECK THIS OUT! TRANSFORM!"

A burst of smoke appeared. When it cleared, Naruto was gone. In his place stood an attractive and very naked blonde girl.

"How do I look Iruka-sensei?" she said.

Iruka stood no chance. In about 5 seconds the poor tired chunin was launched backwards by a huge nosebleed. And he wasn't the only one. Most of the class's males also had huge nosebleeds. All except for a couple of bored looking guys.

"Why didn't it work on them?" Naruto wondered as he transformed back into himself.

Within seconds of seeing Naruto, the guys were launched several feet by huge nosebleeds.

"Okay… awkward." Said Naruto.

After Iruka got back to consciousness, he yelled at Naruto for making up stupid tricks, graffiting the Hokage Monument, and being an all around nuisance. He told Naruto to get a bucket and a rag and clean up all the paint off the Monument.

"You don't leave until you clean up everything!" growled Iruka.

"Fine! It's not like there's anybody waiting for me!" Shouted Naruto."

Iruka paused at the outburst. He said hesitantly, "Hey… Naruto…"

Naruto glared at him as he looked up, "What. Do. You. Want?" he said through gritted teeth.

"Well if that's your attitude, maybe I won't treat you to a bowl of ramen." Said Iruka.

Naruto cheered up instantly. "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? RAMEN'S LIKE MY CRACK!" He shouted.

In seconds, Naruto had cleaned up the entire monument. He grabbed Iruka, and dashed to the ramen stand. Inside the stand, Naruto managed to slurp down several bowls of ramen. Iruka watched him with a disgusted fascination.

"…Naruto? I have a question for you." He said finally.

"Mmm?" asked Naruto.

"How do you breathe when you eat that fast?" asked Iruka.

Naruto laughed a bit. "Oh, Iruka-sensei. Who needs oxygen when you have RAMEN?!?" He shouted.

"…Ok. Here's another question. Why did you do that to the Monument? I mean, you _do_ know who the Hokage are right?" asked Iruka.

"Of course, Iruka-sensei! They're usually a bunch of pervy old guys in charge of the village!" said Naruto.

"…" Iruka paused. "Yes Naruto, what else?"

"Well, the 4th one stopped the Kyuubi from destroying the village!"

"Ok, then why do you-" Iruka tried to ask.

"Because I'm going to be better then all of them! I'll become…" Naruto got up and stood on the counter and struck a pose at this point, "…THE NEXT HOKAGE!!!"

"GET OFF MY CLEAN COUNTER AND SIT IN YOUR SEAT!" Yelled the owner of the place. He threw a pot at Naruto.

Naruto dodged the pot and sat in his seat. He looked at Iruka for a minute before asking, "Sensei? Can I borrow your forehead protector?"

"NO!" Screamed Iruka. He covered his forehead protector by slamming his head against the counter. When Naruto looked at him strangely, he explained, "Sorry Naruto, you'll get one of these if you graduate."

"Ok, sensei. But why did you slam your forehead against the counter?"

"Hmmm? Oh, I had a bad experience with fangirls once."

"Fangirls?" asked Naruto.

"Oh, yeah. Some girls are into freaky stuff. Toes, foreheads, chicken-shaped hair, angst, you name it."

And with that valuable life lesson taught, Iruka went back to his ramen.

The next day, Naruto was sweating at his desk. _Today's the exams! I didn't study my jutsu! Oh well, I should be fine as long as it's not Clones…_ Naruto thought.

Iruka walked into the classroom and said happily, "Today's exam will be on the Clone Jutsu!"

_…Crap._

Iruka called several people into the adjacent room to perform the Clone Jutsu. When it was finally Naruto's turn, he finished his silent prayer and walked into the room.

In the room there were no desks, but there was a long table near the blackboard. At that table sat Iruka and a silver-haired man named Mizuki. On the table laid several forehead protectors.

"Ok Naruto," said Iruka, "just create some clones."

_Alright, I can do this, _thought Naruto, _just focus. Focus. Focus._

Naruto farted.

Seconds passed.

"YOU FAIL!" Shouted Iruka.

"Now, now, Iruka." Said Mizuki. "Sure Naruto didn't create clones, but you never know when a good fart will come in handy."

Iruka stared at his colleague. "Are you high?" he asked.

Iruka graded the other examiners, and passed everyone else. After a brief talk with the Hokage at the hospital, Iruka went home and relaxed for a bit. However, he found himself dozing off.

_KNOCK, KNOCK_

"WHO'S THERE!?!" Iruka shouted as he shot up.

"It's Mizuki!" said the person outside.

Iruka opened the door. "What's up?" he asked.

Mizuki took a breath and said, "The Hokage snuck out of the hospital to get more weed."

Unimpressed, Iruka sighed, "Is that all?"

"No, when he got into the Hokage Tower, Naruto attacked him and stole the…" Mizuki looked around before whispering, "The secret scroll."

"What scroll?"

"THE ONE THAT'S SECRET! IRUKA, PAY ATTENTION!!!" Shouted Mizuki.

Iruka and Mizuki ran to the Hokage Tower. The Hokage (this time without his pipe) said gravely, "Naruto has stolen the…" He looked around and whispered to the gathered ninja, "the secret scroll." He raised his voice, "He most be found at all costs!"

As the ninja ran off, the Hokage pulled out his pipe and weed from his hat, lit it, and began to smoke saying, "I'm too old for this…"

Iruka decided to check the forest first. Once there, he spotted an exhausted looking Naruto with a huge scroll tied to his back.

"NARUTO!" Iruka shouted.

"IRUKA-SENSEI!" Naruto shouted happily. "UM, WHY ARE WE YELLING?"

"BECAUSE YOU STOLE THE…" Iruka paused, looked around, and whispered, "the secret scroll."

"This thing? Mizuki-sensei told me about it! He said if I showed you the Jutsus I learned, you'd have to let me pass!"

All of a sudden, several knives struck Iruka. Mizuki landed on a tree branch and said, "Give me the scroll, Naruto."

Naruto looked at Iruka to Mizuki and said, "…Huh?"

"NARUTO! DON'T LET HIM TAKE THE…" Iruka paused, looked around and whispered, "the secret scroll."

"Naruto!" said Mizuki. "Do you want to know what really happened when the 4th Hokage got rid of the Kyuubi?"

"Sure!" said Naruto happily. "I love stories!"

"Uh…well, he didn't destroy it. He sealed it in you."

"He did?"

"Didn't you read it?"

Naruto thought back…

_An hour earlier…_

Naruto sat down and opened the scroll.

"Hmmm…" he said as he looked through it, "Let's see here… 'Money falling from the sky Jutsu?' No. 'Breast Enlargement Jutsu?' Not right now… 'How to seal and unseal the Kyuubi?' No… wait, what's this say? 'The Kyuubi is currently sealed inside Naruto Uzumaki.'" Naruto laughed a bit. "HAHAHAHA, poor sap. Now what's this one? 'Sha…Shay…Shaydough…Shaydough Clown Jutsu?'"

He stopped reading. "What a dumb name. Oh well, might as well learn it. I like clowns! Clowns are fun!"

_Back in the present…_

"…Can't say I did." Said Naruto.

"Well, you are." Replied Mizuki.

"NNOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Naruto, as he ran off.

"Wha…? Wait!" Yelled Mizuki as he chased after Naruto.

_Two Hours Later…_

A winded Mizuki walked back to the still stuck Iruka. He breathed heavily as he said, "You…You…you know? I'm…I'm going to… finish you off… At least… I know…you can't run away…"

A rock came out of nowhere and hit Mizuki in the head. He whirled around to find Naruto glaring at him.

"If you hurt my sensei, I'll kill you. Shaydough Clown Jutsu!" Shouted Naruto.

Nothing happened.

Iruka cleared his throat and said, "Naruto? Try Shadow Clone Jutsu."

Naruto shrugged. "Ok. SHADOW CLONE JUTSU!"

All of a sudden, hundreds of Narutos surrounded Mizuki. Mizuki looked around, panicked and simply fainted.

"Well…" said Iruka. "That was a bit anti-climactic… Naruto? Can you help me out here?"

After getting rid of the knives that impaled him, Iruka smiled and said, "Naruto, I have a present for you. Close your eyes."

Naruto did so, and felt a cloth being tied around his forehead. He opened his eyes to discover that Iruka had given him his forehead protector.

"Congratulations, graduate!"

With tears coming to his eyes, Naruto hugged Iruka.

All of a sudden, a girl popped out of the bushes and yelled, "IRUKA'S OVER HERE!"

Members of the IFGC (Iruka Fangirl Club) showed up and started saying things like "His forehead's so dreamy!" and "He's hurt! I think he needs sexual healing."

Iruka thought for a second. _You know Naruto, I was going to give you a lecture that a ninja was a serious business. But right now, I THINK WE BETTER RUN!_

And with that, Iruka picked Naruto up and ran like hell.

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**There you go! The first chapter of Naruto has been unofficially spoofed!**

**Did you like it or hate it?**

**Instead of answering out loud, click the review button down below.**

**Flames will be used to light the Hokage's pipe. **


	3. Konohamaru

**Naruto: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Cross my heart and hope to die. If I did I wouldn't be looking for a job…**

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Chapter 2: Konohamaru

Several days later, Naruto had to get his picture taken for his official Ninja Dossier. However, he was having a little problem…

"Let me just get this helmet on…"

…taking it seriously.

"Come on, kid." Said the photographer. "We've been at this for hours! Just take at least one normal picture!"

"Oh come on! This'll be cool!" said an ecstatic Naruto. He was dressed in a dark suit, cape, and put on a black helmet. He breathed heavily and said in a deep voice, "I'm ready!"

"Your funeral." Said the photographer. He took a second to focus the camera and took the picture.

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_Several hours later_

"Naruto…why?" Said the Hokage. It was one of his rare sober days and he was holding Naruto's dossier.

On the dossier it stated:

_**Naruto Uzumaki**_

_**Likes:**_

_**Ramen**_

_**Pranks**_

_**Ramen**_

_**Being a Ninja**_

_**Ramen**_

_**RAMEN!**_

_**Dislikes:**_

_**Sasuke Uchiha**_

_**Sitting Still**_

_**Salad**_

_**Bathing**_

_**SasuNaru Fan Fiction**_

_**Voted Most Likely To:**_

_**Star in a Manga.**_

The picture on the dossier had Naruto dressed as Darth Vader. His hand was outstretched as if he was choking someone.

The Hokage put down the dossier and looked at Naruto, who was sitting in a chair smiling. "Naruto," he said, "I can't use this."

Naruto simply pulled out more pictures and said, "Not a Star Wars fan? Don't worry! I have more!"

Naruto showed him three more pictures, one was him dressed as Ichigo from Bleach, one was him dressed as The Joker from Dark Knight, and the other was him dressed as Master Chief from Halo.

"Naruto," said the Hokage patiently. "Have you ever considered being dressed as yourself?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Naruto asked happily.

The Hokage started slamming his head against his desk. As he was doing so, his door opened and a little kid charged in. He took one look at the Hokage and said, "Trying to smash your own brains out won't save you old man!"

He took three steps inside and fell on his face.

Seconds later, a tall man wearing a blue outfit with sunglasses ran in. He said, "Lord Hokage! I was just reading my porn…I mean, I was just reading a book when the Honorable Grandson ran away! Have you seen him?"

The Hokage just sighed and pointed at the kid on the floor, who had picked himself up and was glaring at Naruto.

"YOU!" He shouted. "YOU DID THIS!"

"…You tripped over your own two feet you moron." Said Naruto.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!" screamed the kid.

The guy with the sunglasses glared at Naruto. _So that's him, _he thought, _the nine-tailed brat… Curses I wish I could have a snazzy orange jumpsuit like that…_

He cleared his throat and said, "Naruto! Don't talk to Konohamaru like that! He's the Hokage's grandson! Right, Lord Hokage?" He looked at the old man for support.

"I really don't care, Ebisu…" said the Hokage.

"YEAH! I'M THE HOKAGE'S GRANDSON!" Said the kid. "JUST TRY TO TOUCH ME, YOU BIG…"

Naruto simply got off the chair, walked over, picked the kid up, and threw him out the window.

Ebisu screamed and jumped out to save him.

The Hokage simply pinched the bridge of his nose and said, "You know something, Naruto? This is probably why most adults don't like you."

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Later, Naruto was walking back to his apartment when he felt somebody looking at him. He turned around and looked at the fence he was walking by. The kid from before, Konohamaru, was disguising himself poorly, using a sheet made to look like the fence behind him.

_Hmmm… _Naruto thought, _nothing there. _

Naruto started to continue walking, but slipped on a conveniently placed banana peel. He slipped and fell over backwards, and his sandal flew off his foot and hit Konohamaru square in the face.

"YEEEEOOWWWWWCCCCHHHH!" Konohamaru yelled. He lowered the sheet and rubbed his nose, "Way to see through my disguise, Boss!"

"Right!" Naruto laughed nervously, "That's what happened. Wait, 'Boss'?"

"Yes!" said Konohamaru, "You are going to teach me everything you know!"

Naruto thought franticly, _Okay, a small, loud kid is looking up to you, Naruto. Don't blow this! Think! What do you know? WHAT DO YOU KNOW!?! It has to be something that has educational value and makes you a good role model… _

Naruto finally looked up and said, "OK! I know what I'm going to teach you!"

Konohamaru looked at him and said, "Really?"

"YES! It's something that will gain you massive respect from everybody!"

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_Later…_

"NO!" Shouted Naruto. "Make her more busty!"

"I'll try!" said Konohamaru. "SEXY JUTSU!"

Instead of what usually happens during the Sexy Jutsu (The user turns into a hot, naked girl.), Konohamaru transformed into an obese girl wearing a bikini.

"NO!"

Konohamaru transformed back into himself and said, "Sorry, Boss!"

Naruto grumbled, "Well, at least you're not transforming into dudes any more… Let's take a break."

They sat down and ate lunch. After awhile, Naruto looked at him and asked, "So why do you want to attack the old man, anyway?"

Konohamaru sighed and said, "It's because nobody sees me as me. All they see is the Hokage's grandson. If I beat him and become Hokage, people will finally see me as Konohamaru."

Naruto looked at him and said, "There's no way anyone would ever let you run the village."

Konohamaru shouted, "WHAT!?!"

Naruto glared at him and said, "If you want to be Hokage so bad, you're going to have to work for it. And you're going to have to beat me first!"

"So, here you are!" Shouted a voice from above.

The two boys looked up to see Ebisu standing on a tree branch. He glared at Naruto and said, "So this is where Naruto has been holding you hostage!"

Konohamaru and Naruto both said, "Hostage?"

"OH, YES!" Shouted a triumphant Ebisu. "It's just like what happens in my soaps! The bad guy abducts the kid and wants a ransom! In this case, Naruto wants the Hokage's title in exchange for you, Honored Grandson!"

Naruto thought for a moment and said, "Why didn't I think of that?"

Ebisu landed on the ground and said, "Now, come along Honored Grandson. Together, we will rule this village as student and master!"

Konohamaru yelled, "OH, NO YOU DON'T YOU BIG PERV! SEXY JUTSU!"

Konohamaru transformed into a naked teenaged girl. However, Ebisu laughed and said, "Oh, Honored Grandson. My mind is so desensitized, that it will take much more then one naked girl to do anything to me!"

"SHADOW CLONE JUTSU!" Yelled Naruto. Multiple Narutos appeared and said, "SEXY JUTSU!"

Suddenly all the Narutos transformed into naked girls. Ebisu, unable to handle all the overexposure, flew backwards with a nosebleed and a "CURSES!"

Naruto transformed back into himself and went over to Konohamaru. The boy was fuming about not beating his teacher.

"DARN IT! HOW CAN I BE HOKAGE IF I CAN'T BEAT AN OVERGLORIFIED PERVERT!"

Naruto whacked him on the head and said, "Stop yelling. It's giving me a headache. And didn't I tell you that you have to beat me?"

Konohamaru yelled, "FINE! I'M NOT YOUR STUDENT ANYMORE! FROM NOW ON WILL BE RIVALS!"

Naruto smiled and said, "Fine. I'll look forward to fighting you someday."

Konohamaru smiled back and said, "I'll just distract you with ramen or something."

Naruto replied, "Hey! I don't get distracted that eas… HEY! A BUTTERFLY!"

Konohamaru just walked away, leaving Naruto to his new friend.

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…**Not the best chapter…**

**Oh well! **

**Review Please!**


	4. New Team

**Naruto: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I have neither the creativity nor artistic talent.**

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**Chapter 3: New Team**

It was morning in Konoha. The birds were singing, the sun was shining…

"OH F***!"

…and our energetic protagonist was cursing like a sailor because he realized he was late. Just another regular morning in Konoha.

"WHY DID I SLEEP SO F***ING LATE?" asked Naruto as he quickly got dressed. He grabbed his goggles, tripped, and fell onto the floor of his room. His forehead protector fell off his dresser and onto his chest, and he stared at it for a moment.

_That's right… _he thought …_I'm going to be a ninja today. _He got up and put the goggles down on the dresser. Then he quickly ran into the kitchen, ate a quick breakfast of milk and toast (ignoring the lumps in his milk), tied the forehead protector on, and ran out the door.

Several minutes later, Naruto was sitting in his classroom giggling like a little girl. One of his classmates looked at him and said, "Hey Naruto, what're you doing here? This class is only for those who graduated."

Naruto looked up and said, "Can't you see the headband?"

The kid opened his mouth to argue when a voice said, "Excuse me."

The two turned to see a girl with long pink hair. She was wearing a dark red dress and a forehead protector was placed on the top of her head. She had an annoyed expression on her face that she was trying (and failing) to hide.

_Sakura? _Thought Naruto, _What's she want? _A light blush came to face. _No way. She doesn't want to… sit with me does she?_

"_Naruto?" _He thought he heard her say. _"Move please."_

_But if she wants to sit here, does that mean she likes me too?_

"_Naruto!" _She seemed to say a little more forcefully, "_Let me sit there!"_

_God, I hope she doesn't ask me to hold hands with her. I mean, I'm all for wildly making out, but holding hands? That's a level of commitment I'm not ready for…_

"_Naruto!"_

_Plus my hands get all sweaty…_

"NARUTO!" Sakura screamed at him. "MOVE YOU DOLT! I'M TRYING TO GET PAST YOU!"

"Say wha…" said Naruto. _If she doesn't want to sit by me… then who…_

Naruto turned and looked down the row at a black-haired kid with a dark blue shirt and white shorts. _Ah, so it's Sasuke… _thought Naruto, _That jerk. I wonder what he's thinking…_

Sasuke was simply sitting with his hands together, and he was the picture of calmness. Inside his head, however, was a different story…

_So if I take out Naruto, I can take over the whole series. Finally, no more orange jumpsuits, no more ADHD, no more Ramen OCD. I'll be the star, get the royalties, get the perks. And then…_

He paused for a moment.

_THEN! THEN I'LL LAUNCH MY OWN BRAND OF HAIR-CARE PRODUCTS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

Breaking out of his egomaniacal tirade of thought he turned and saw Naruto glaring at him. His eye twitched as he stared at his only obstacle to fame.

"What?" he said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" growled Naruto. "You wanna start something, you stupid bas-"

Sakura picked Naruto up and threw him across the room. Then she turned to Sasuke and said sweetly, "Hello Sasuke-kun! Is this seat taken?" Without waiting for an answer, she plopped down onto the seat.

Sasuke's eye twitched again. _It's that pink thing again! _He thought. _Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away._

Naruto crawled back into his seat, looking furious.

Sakura, however, was focused on getting closer to Sasuke. _Today's the day Sasuke will be mine! _Said her Inner Sakura. _And no one's gonna get in my way!_

Sasuke noticed Sakura scooting closer to him, and he mentally cringed. _Why won't she go away? _

Naruto looked over at the pair. _Oh man, _he thought, _Sakura's all over Sasuke… That jerk. Why does he always act so cool…_

Sasuke was expressionless, but in his head he was crying like a baby.

Naruto jumped on the desk in front of Sasuke and glared at him. Sakura shouted, "Naruto, you jerk! Back off!"

Naruto and Sasuke both glared at each other and paid her no attention.

_This jerk. _Thought Naruto. _What's he thinking?_

_He has beautiful eyes… _thought Sasuke.

Meanwhile, an undercover agent from the SasuNaru Forever League made her way to the desk Naruto was on. She giggled, pulled out a camera, and then pushed him towards Sasuke. She took a picture of their "accidental" kiss. She then ran off to go write Fan Fiction about it.

The two boys leapt away from each other and started spitting on the floor, in hopes of ridding their mouths of the other's horrible taste.

_He tastes like ramen! _Thought Sasuke.

_He tastes like angst! _Thought Naruto.

Before Naruto could turn around to yell at "Sasgay", a hand grabbed him by the hair and turned him around. "OW! Careful of my golden locks!" he screamed. He looked up to see the face of his captor…

…only to look into the eyes of a **very **angry Sakura. He gulped nervously and attempted to smile at Sakura. Sakura ignored the smile, and, with a furious roar, started pummeling any part of Naruto she could reach.

Several hours later, after a beaten and bruised Naruto regained consciousness and used his chin to crawl back in his seat, Iruka finally walked through the door.

He smiled and thought, _Ha! Four hours late! Beat that Kakashi!_

Iruka cleared his throat and announced to the class, "Today, you are no longer Academy students, but full-fledged ninja. But, you're only Genin, the lowest rank. Your greatest challenges lie ahead. You all will be given missions on behalf of the village." He saw the some of the heads were starting to droop (and in Naruto's case, simply passed out from boredom), and he rolled his eyes. He continued, "The other, more experienced, teachers have advised me to tell you that you will get money for completing missions."

Everyone's head shot up at that. Except for Naruto.

Iruka grit his teeth in frustration. "And that money," he continued, "can be used to buy weapons…" No response from Naruto, "Clothes…" A puddle of drool started to form around Naruto's head, "…and ramen."

Naruto's head shot up as he screamed, "WHO SAID THE R WORD?" He fell over backwards of his chair.

Iruka shook his head. "We will start," he continued as though nothing had happened, "by dividing you into three-man teams. You will then be assigned a Jounin teacher."

As Iruka started calling out teams, several students in the class let their minds wander.

Naruto, who was still on the floor, thought, _I hope Sakura's on my team… and maybe that Ino girl as well. Aww, yeah. Two girls for the big N-dog._

Sakura repeated a mantra over and over in her head, _Sasuke not Naruto… Sasuke not Naruto… Sasuke not Naruto… Sasuke not Naruto… Sasuke not Naruto…_

Sasuke, however, was pondering. _I wonder that if I kill my teammates, they'll just promote me on the spot due to my levels of sheer awesomeness._

Meanwhile, a dog-like boy named Kiba was, just like Sakura, repeating a mantra. However, his was a bit…different. _Kibbles n' Bits… Kibbles n' Bits… Kibbles n' Bits… Kibbles n' Bits… Kibbles n' Bits… Kibbles n' Bits… Kibbles n' Bits… Kibbles n' Bits… Kibbles n' Bits… Kibbles n' Bits… _

The small gray dog on the top of Kiba's head looked down at his master. His name was Akamaru and he was a bit concerned. _Why doesn't he take me out for walks anymore? Should I do more to prove my loyalty to him? Aw, screw it. I'm pissing on his head later…_

A quiet, slightly creepy, boy wearing sunglasses was sitting a couple of seats behind Kiba. His name was Shino, and although he gave off a calm-if-somewhat-scary disposition, he was panicking. _DEAR GOD, I THINK MY BUGS HAVE EATEN MY EYES!_

Another quiet student, a girl named Hinata, was staring at the orange-clad protagonist on the floor. _I hope I'm on Naruto-kun's team. I love his whiskers, his ADHD, his orange and ramen obsessions… _And with that, her pale lavender eyes rolled up into her head and she fainted.

Meanwhile, a chubby boy named Choji eating chips. He thought, _If I run out of chips, I am going to eat my teammates. I hope Shikamaru is on my team, _he thought as he glanced at his friend, _His head looks like a pineapple… and I loves me some pineapple._

His friend, Shikamaru, was sitting by him. Shikamaru was thinking, _Man this sucks. I hope Choji's on my team. But as for the third person…anyone but a girl. And especially not that purple-wearing She-Satan Ino. I really don't want to hear her go on about Sasuke._

Said purple-wearing She-Satan was switching between looking at Sasuke and glaring at Sakura, and was thinking, _I hope Sasuke's on my team. If so, then Sakura can't be, since her massive forehead counts her as two people. _

"Team 7," Iruka stated loudly, breaking everyone out of their stupor. "Will be… Naruto, Sakura…"

"YES!" Shouted Naruto from the floor.

"NO!" Shouted Sakura.

"…And Sasuke."

"Yes!" Cheered Sakura.

"WHAT!?!" Shouted Naruto as he sprang to his feet, grabbed the kid behind him, and chucked him at Iruka.

Iruka caught the kid and put him back on his feet. The kid took off out of the classroom, screaming something about blonde, orange-wearing devils. "Naruto, please don't throw your classmates at me."

"THEN TELL ME WHY _I'M_ ON A TEAM WITH _THAT _EMO BASTARD!" Naruto yelled.

Iruka sighed, "It's too balance the teams, Naruto. Look here." He held up his clipboard and pointed to Sasuke's name. Beside it was a large A+. "Sasuke had the best grades in the class, closely followed by Sakura. You however," He pointed to Naruto's name, which had a crossed out F by it. Somebody had written a D- instead. "Had one of the worst grades."

"That's right," said Sasuke. "So don't slow me down you moron."

"WHAT? YOU EMO ANGSTY BASTARD!" Yelled Naruto.

Iruka watched as Naruto tried to get at Sasuke, who was hiding behind Sakura, who was hitting Naruto again. He sighed and thought, _They'll work it all out eventually. _Then he watched as Sakura kicked Naruto in the crotch. _…Maybe not…_

* * *

­**Another chapter done, another iota of guilt erased from my conscience.**

**Review please! **


	5. Team 7: Morons Extraordinaire

**Naruto: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I have neither the creativity nor artistic talent…or the schedule…**

…**I ran out of excuses about why I am so late at updating…**

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**Chapter 4: Team 7: Morons Extraordinaire**

After he discovered that Sasuke (AKA The angsty emo-boy with plans of world domination) and Sakura (His very angry and very violent crush) were on his team, Naruto left the classroom and sat on a rooftop feeling very angry and very hungry.

He pulled his lunch out of his weapons pouch (AKA fanny pack) and began to eat his lunch of ramen and rotten milk. Why rotten milk? Because Naruto was so upset/hungry that he didn't even taste his food.

_Stupid Sasuke. Making me look bad. _He thought as he wolfed his lunch down. _How does he manage to swipe all the fine lookin' ladies from me? I mean, I thought bathing in soy sauce was supposed to attract the ladies! Maybe the Hokage doesn't know what he's talking about…Nah! He's a genius!_

(_Meanwhile_)

"IRUKA! THESE NOODLES TASTE TERRIBLE!" Yelled the Third.

"That's because you put soap and water on them, sir." Sighed Iruka.

"…Oh! That's right! I was distracted when deciding what to have for lunch today, because Naruto asked me how to, as he put it, 'Land all that fine lookin' tail.'" The Hokage stopped for a second. "…Now what did I tell him to do again?" He tried thinking, gave up, and continued to eat his soapy noodles.

(_Back to the plot) _

Sasuke was eating a rice ball. And staring at the ground. Why? Because he had a feeling that eyesight was very important to his future, so he didn't want to damage it by sunlight, rogue kunai, and shrieking and clawing fangirls.

So, all-in-all, it was rather easy for Naruto to jump into the open window, right behind him.

Naruto swung a fist at Sasuke. Sasuke caught it and threw Naruto against a wall. They stared at each other for several seconds.

"What do you want, moron?" asked Sasuke.

Naruto stuttered for a few moments. Finally he lied, "I-I was just wondering if you heard."

"Heard what?"

"Well, that the creator of this series were giving you a spin-off show."

"I don't-" Sasuke paused. "…Really?"

"Yes. It's going to be called, uh," Naruto thought for a second, "…_Sasuke & The People He Kills_!"

"Yes! Those are two of my favorite things! Me and Death!" Sasuke cheered, but then he remembered his reputation and started to brood again. "Where is the creator of this show now, Naruto?"

"5 miles outside the village! But he said that you would have to wait for him to show up."

"I don't care! I'll wait all day if it means fame!" Sasuke shouted as he ran off.

"That takes care of him. Now then…" Naruto performed the Transformation Jutsu to look like Sasuke, "Time to have a tongue sandwich with Sakura!"

_(Meanwhile)_

Sakura was walking through the park. That is, if by "walking" you mean "running wildly while punching trees, small animals, and the occasional fan character into oblivion". She eventually got tired and sat down on a bench.

"Why? Why doesn't Sasuke love me?" she sobbed. She looked to the heavens and cried, "WHY?"

Her earth-shaking cries dislodged an acorn from the tree she was sitting under. It bounced from branch to branch before falling and hitting Sakura in the forehead.

She blinked, then glared. "It's all my forehead's fault. It's huge. Why was a born with such a deformity?"

"Your forehead is so big…I want to tongue lash it." said a voice.

Sakura looked up and saw the object of her affections (a.k.a. obsession), Sasuke standing in front of her. "Re-Really?" asked Sakura.

"Of course." answered Sasuke "All angsty emo-boys go weak at the knees for a girl with a large forehead." But instead of pressing his lips against Sakura's giant dome, Sasuke sat on the bench next to her. "Sakura…what do you think of Naruto?"

"He sucks." said Sakura immediately. "Even though I know that he's an orphan and that he most likely acts the way he does out of some desperate need for attention, I assume that he is a Jerky McJerkington and he probably stalks and rapes innocent bowls of Ramen in his spare time."

"THAT WAS ONCE AND THOSE CHARGES WERE DROPPED!" Screamed "Sasuke". He seemed to realize that he was breaking character, so he decided to ask, "What else?"

"Oh Sasuke!" cried Sakura suddenly. "Why do you ask so many questions about Naruto? I mean, you're a boy, I'm girl-ish. We were meant to be together!" And with that Sakura pressed her lips to "Sasuke's" and proceed to "suck face" as the kids call it.

_Dear Penthouse…_ thought "Sasuke".

(_Meanwhile, 5 miles away from the village_)

Sasuke was standing patiently in a field.

And he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Waiting…

Standing…

Alone…

In a field…

Still waiting…

Wait-

"WAIT A MINUTE!" screamed Sasuke. "…I can't meet the creator of my spinoff dressed like this!" Sasuke turned around and started running back to the village. "I've got to make myself fabulous!"

(_Back at the village_)

Sakura had just finished depriving a Sasuke-disguised Naruto of all of the oxygen in his lungs. She pulled away with an audible _POP_. She looked at "Sasuke" deep in his eyes and said, "…Dear God your breath smells horrible! It's like you just gargled sour milk and noodle broth!"

"That's my man-musk…" mumbled a dazed "Sasuke".

"Well go brush your teeth! I can't make-out/lip rape someone with bad breath!" said Sakura.

"On it…" mumbled "Sasuke" as he staggered away.

_Mmmm…Sour milk and noodle broth…_ Thought Sakura.

Once he was at a safe enough distance from his Incredible Hulk of a crush, Naruto dropped the Sasuke transformation. He went into a bathroom, pulled out a package of breath mints, and emptied the whole thing into his mouth. _Man,_ thought Naruto, _The only thing Sakura talks about is stupid sexy Sasuke. Wait! IDEA! I should go over to Sakura as Sasuke, insult her and her lovely forehead, walk away from her, transform back into my studly self, and be all like "Yo girl, I'd never treat you like that. Plus my breath is nice and minty fresh and not smelling like sour milk and broth._ Naruto smirked at his plan. _All right, it's a plan! But first…_ Naruto's eyes started to water as the breath mints started to take effect, _GOD WHY DID I PUT THE ENTIRE PACKAGE OF MINTS IN MY MOUTH!_

(_Back to the lonely teenage girl)_

Sakura spotted Sasuke walking down the path. She got up excitedly and tried to adjust her non-existent bosoms.

"Hello lover." Sakura said in a way that she probably thought was seductive but came across as just plain creepy. "I-"

"Sakura, I don't know what you're talking about or frankly why you have considered yourself worthy to talk to me in the first place, but it's time to meet back up and wait for our new sensei, so if you don't mind will you PLEASE SHUT UP!" Shouted Sasuke.

"Um…are you ok?" asked a timid Sakura.

"JUST FAN-F**KING-TASTIC! I'M JUST WASTING MY TALENTS BY BEING SURROUNDED BY YOU IDIOTS EVERY SINGLE DAY AND I MISSED MY AUDITION FOR MY SPIN-OFF, BUT NO, I'M JUST F**KING PEACHY SAKURA! THANKS FOR ASKING!" Screamed Sasuke. He turned and ran away.

_His extreme rage makes me want him even more_, thought Sakura.

(_Meanwhile, back in the bathroom_)

"Those were curiously strong." said Naruto. He exited the bathroom and started to snicker to himself. "Once I act like a complete dick to Sakura as Sasuke, she'll go out with me! It's the perfect plan!" Naruto's rant was cut short as he ran into something solid. He looked up to see Sasuke smirking at him.

"Too late Naruto. I already acted like a dick to Sakura. Beat you to it." he said smugly.

"Oh…hi Sasuke. How did the auditions go?" asked a nervous Naruto.

Sasuke started to tear up as he fought to keep his voice level. "We will never know, Naruto. We will never know." Sasuke sniffed and started to walk back to class.

(_Meanwhile, at Naruto's house_)

"Hey sir? Is it really ok that we broke into this kid's house?" asked a silver-haired, one-eyed, masked man.

"Come on, Kakashi." said the Hokage. "If you can't break into your student's houses, then whose houses can you break into?" The Hokage snorted and kept looking through Naruto's fridge.

"Anything good in there sir?" asked Kakashi.

"Nah. Just some soy sauce and some ramen."

"Can't you just use the soy sauce with the ramen?"

"Does it look like I need a bath to you?"

* * *

**As a special treat, here is what our characters have been up to since the last update:**

**Naruto: Gained 90 pounds and was forced to work it off in time for this chapter.**

**Sasuke: Returned to the field in order to wait for his audition.**

**Sakura: Went to rehab in an attempt to deal with her steroid abuse.**

**Iruka: Graded papers. Being a teacher sucks.**

**Hokage: For giggles, he made a law that every villager had to throw kunai knives and shurikan at each other at the supermarket.**

**Mizuki: Currently serving his 32 life sentences.**

**Konohamaru: Currently working on attempt number 56 on his grandfather's life.**

**Ebisu: Got told by the Hokage that it is not a good idea to staple children to their chairs just because they annoy you.**

* * *

**Review or you will be the one eating soapy noodles.**

**You know who you are.**


	6. Nod At The Porn

**Naruto: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I have neither the creativity nor artistic talent…or the schedule…**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Nod At the Porn and Naruto Dies, Everywhere Naruto Dies**

"IT'S BEEN 9 FREAKING HOURS!" screamed Naruto. He turned to his two teammates and said, "Even the janitor's gone home! Why are we still here?"

Sakura glared at Naruto and said, "We're supposed to meet our new sensei, you idiot."

"Well…I knew that!" lied Naruto. "But why are he so damn late?"

"…I'm sure whatever he's doing is critical to the well-being of the village." replied Sasuke. "He is a Jonin after all. It's not like he's screwing around or breaking into our homes or anything."

(_Meanwhile, at Sakura's house_)

"Would you look at all this yaoi fan fiction!" said Kakashi. "I sure am glad this psycho's not on my team."

"Uh…" faltered the Hokage. "…About that…"

(_Meanwhile, back at the school_)

Naruto stepped off the table he had placed near the door and admired his handiwork. "This is the most ingenious idea ever!"

Sakura looked at what Naruto had done. "…You just put an eraser in the doorway."

"Yes." replied Naruto.

Sakura rolled her eyes and said, "Our teacher is one of the highest ranks of ninja in the world and you think that you're going to trick him by having an eraser fall on him?"

"Well, at the very least it will convince him to stop being late." said Naruto.

"…How?" asked Sasuke.

"Shut up, my plan is amazing." answered Naruto.

"Geez," huffed Sakura, "You are so immature Naruto. I'm not involved in this at all." At least, that was what she told Naruto. Inside her head was a different story.

"_**KILL THAT BASTARD AND TAKE HIS LIVER!**_" Screamed Inner Sakura.

_Wait, _thought Sakura, _Our sensei or Naruto?_

"_**YES!**_" Screamed Inner Sakura.

Meanwhile, back in reality, Naruto and Sasuke stared as Sakura talked and yelled to herself.

"I'm scared." said Naruto. "And yet, strangely aroused."

Sasuke finally broke out of his silence and said, "That's nice…Look doofus, there's no way our sensei is going to fall for such an idiotic trick."

Suddenly the door opened revealing a masked man with one eye. His silver-grey hair turned even more grey as the eraser bounced off of the top of his head and released a cloud of chalk dust.

"I can't believe I fell for such an idiotic trick…" said Kakashi.

Naruto pointed and said, "For some reason this is the funniest thing I have ever seen! HAHAHA!"

Sakura looked nervous as she worried that she would get blamed for Naruto's dumbassness. She whimpered, "I'm so sorry sir. Naruto's just a moron." Meanwhile, Inner Sakura was shouting, "_**FOR SOME REASON, I FOUND THAT PRANK TO BE EXTREMELY EROTIC!**_"

Sasuke sighed and thought, _If I had my own show, I wouldn't have to put up with this level of idiocy._

Kakashi smiled and said, "I'm going to make your lives a living hell. You know that, right?"

Naruto paused and thought aloud, "Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to prank the guy who is in charge of our training."

"Probably not." Kakashi said. "Now, let's leave this place and go up onto a rooftop for no reason."

(_Several minutes later, on a rooftop)_

Kakashi looked at his students and said, "You guys managed to find this place? Congratulations, you aren't complete wastes of space after all."

Sakura raised her hand, "Is this the part where you ask us to introduce ourselves?"

Kakashi whipped a list out of his pocket and said, "Nope. I rifled through all of your worldly possessions when I broke into your houses and came up with a list. I am going to introduce you to everyone else."

"Wait isn't breaking into someone's home ille-"

"We'll start with Naruto." Kakashi looked at his notes and started to read, "Naruto Uzumaki has an unhealthy obsession with Ramen, most likely has severe ADHD, and harbors murderous feelings towards the Hokage. He plays harmless pranks in order to some attention after 12 years of neglect and implied abuse."

"Those 12 years weren't that bad." said Naruto. "Everytime I went to the hospital with a broken arm, the doctors would break the other one so I'd have a matching set."

"Moving on." said Kakashi. "We'll go to Sasuke next. Sasuke Uchiha is the last survivor of the Uchiha clan. Girls love him for his angsty attitude and air of indifference. Frequently shipped with Naruto in fan fics."

Sasuke blinked. "Is that it?"

Kakashi shrugged. "In all honesty, you don't have much in your house."

(_Flashback_)

Kakashi and the Hokage stood in Sasuke's room. Aside from a bed and a table, the room was empty. However, the words "KILL ITACHI" was written on the walls, floor, and ceiling. The words were written in something that looked suspiciously like blood.

"…"

"…"

"…Well, he seems like a well-adjusted young man. I'm glad he is on the team and I'm sure he won't betray the village or anything like that." said Kakashi.

(_Back to the Present_)

"And finally we have Sakura Haruno." Kakashi stared at her for a moment. "…You disgust me."

"What? Why?" asked Sakura.

"You know why." Kakashi growled out before muttering, "Roxas and Axel are just friends…why did she make me doubt that?"

"WAIT SENSEI!" Screamed Naruto in his crackly twelve-year-old voice. "What about you?"

"What about me, Naruto?" sighed Kakashi.

"Tell us about you!"

"Oh, okay!" Kakashi flipped the pages of his list to find his entry. "My name is Kakashi Hatake. And before you ask, no you will never get to see what is behind this mask. I am one of this shows most popular characters and one of Tour Guide62's favorite characters."

"Who's Tour Guide62?" asked Sakura.

"Never mind." said Kakashi quickly. "Alright guys we begin our first day as a team tomorrow!"

"Awesome, Sensei!" said Naruto. "What are we going to do!"

"Training."

"That's gay." said Naruto.

"Survival training."

"Why should we care?" asked Sasuke.

"Oh, you don't know?" asked Kakashi. "Well, let me fill you in. Out of all the Academy graduates, only 9 of you will be main characters. The rest of you will never be seen again as you fade into obscurity." Kakashi chuckled evilly. "And this survival training is a difficult exam that nobody has ever passed ever."

"…Oh s**t." said Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke.

"Yep!" said Kakashi brightly. "So rest up and meet at the training field first thing tomorrow! And don't eat breakfast! We wouldn't want you vomiting up your intestines, do we?

"…I'm starting to rethink this whole ninja thing." said Naruto.

"Naruto, we can't just give up!" said Sakura. She stood up in front of the other two. "If we give up, this series is over! If we give up, all of our dreams end! If we give up, it will not only shame us, but our entire village! It will be like we just spat in the face of every ninja in the world! We can't give up, we have to be strong and persevere and endure all of the crap life throws at us, because our goals and dreams are worth struggling for!"

Naruto stared at Sakura for a moment.

"…Hnnn…" groaned Sasuke.

"You're right, Sasuke!" said Naruto. "We need to band together and kick Kakashi's ass for doubting our abilities! So, let's go our separate ways and not tell each other what we're planning on doing for tomorrow! See ya!"

And with that, both Naruto and Sasuke left. Sakura was left alone on the rooftop.

"F**K!" she screamed.

(_Later that night_)

Several Narutos were in their bedroom attacking a Kakashi doll. While the other clones were attacking the fake Kakashi, the real Naruto and two more clones were discussing strategies. Unfortunately, these strategies were thinly-veiled Shout Outs to other series, such as "Get up on the Hydra's back!" "Avengers Assemble!" and "Write his name in the Death Note".

(_Next Morning_)

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were standing in the training field and all of them were pissed.

"He said 'first thing in the morning', not 11:58!" yelled Naruto.

Sakura was fuming as well. "I didn't even have time to make myself pretty!"

Sasuke was mildly annoyed as well. "Me neither!"

Naruto and Sakura just stared at him.

Sasuke noticed, huffed, and said, "Bitches just jealous."

An awkward silence settled over the training field.

"Hey guys!" greeted Kakashi.

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" yelled both Naruto and Sakura.

"At Denny's." said Kakashi.

"Say what?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah. Didn't I tell you guys that we were going to have a team breakfast today?" asked Kakashi.

"NO!" yelled Sakura.

"Oh…I meant to." Kakashi said. "I wondered why you guys didn't show up." Shrugging, he walked over to a stump and placed a timer down. "Ok, guys. I'm going to set this alarm for 2:00."

"O…k…" said the three Genin.

Kakashi whipped out two bells and faced the three. "You guys have until then to grab these bells from me."

Naruto ran over and grabbed the bells. "That was easy." He said smugly.

Kakashi grabbed them back. "Wait until I say go!"

"Wait." said Sasuke. "So this exercise is just to get those bells?"

Kakashi smiled and said, "Yes."

Sakura raised her hand. "But wait," she said, "Why are there only two bells?"

_Oh crap! They're figuring it out! _Kakashi thought to himself. _Got to find someway to distract them! Let's see…_

Before Kakashi could do anything, however, Naruto rushed at him with a knife and screamed, "SNEAK ATTACK, MOTHERF**KER!"

Kakashi merely grabbed the knife, stuck out his foot, and tripped Naruto. _Thank God for that boy's ADHD,_ he thought.

Outloud, he said, "Calm down. I didn't say start."

Naruto got up off of the ground, brushed himself off, and looked at Kakashi in confusion.

"…What?" asked Kakashi.

"You never said that we had to wait for you to say start." said Naruto.

"It's true." agreed Sasuke.

"You even set the timer already," Sakura pointed out, "It kind of sends a mixed message."

"Ok, fine! We'll start when I say 'Go', ok?" said Kakashi. "Ready? Go!"

The four jumped off to various spots on the training field. Sasuke hid in a tree, Sakura went for under a bush, and Naruto disappeared completely. Kakashi was standing in the middle of the training field observing his students. _Good,_ he thought, _they've all hidden pretty decently. Even…Naruto?_ Kakashi wondered where the hyper ninja ran off to. _Hmm. I was sure that he would…_

"SNEAK ATTACK MOTHERF**KER!" screamed Naruto as he again tried to murder his sensei. Kakashi once again grabbed Naruto and threw him several feet away. Naruto landed on his back and leaned his head back in order to glare at Kakashi.

Kakashi sighed and asked, "You don't really seem to understand the concept of a sneak attack, do you? Here's a hint. One, you usually are quiet during one, and two, you might want to change into something a little less orange."

"Shut up!" Yelled Naruto. He charged at his new sensei. "You might want to change into something a little less bloodstained!"

Kakashi looked down at his clothes. "My clothes aren't bloodstained."

"THEY'RE ABOUT TO BE!" screamed Naruto.

Kakashi pulled out his trusty copy of _Icha Icha Paradise_ and smacked Naruto in the face with it. "SEE THIS?" he yelled at Naruto. "THIS IS THE BEST BOOK EVER!"

"What is it?" asked Naruto. He threw a punch at Kakashi.

"I can't tell you." said Kakashi as he blocked Naruto's punch.

"Why?" asked Naruto as he tried a roundhouse kick.

"You're not old enough." said Kakashi as he ducked and dodged the kick.

"But…why?" asked Naruto as he put his foot down. He was now facing away from Kakashi.

"BECAUSE IT'S PORN!" screamed Kakashi as he put his fingers together and performed the 1000 Years of Death, AKA The Anal Pain Poke, on Naruto. Naruto grabbed his rear in pain as he was launched into a nearby river.

"…What…the…hell?" Sakura muttered from under the bushes.

"There are no words to describe the sheer amount of idiocy that just happened." said Sasuke from up in his tree.

_Back to my porn_, thought Kakashi as he opened his book.

Underneath the water, Naruto stared at a fish as he plotted his next move. _Oh man. He's not even taking this seriously. What do I do, Nemo?_ he mentally asked the fish.

_Have you seen my dad?_ asked the fish.

_Oh. My. GOD._ Naruto thought as he stared at the fish._ Blonde hair, orange clothes, and the ability to talk to fish? I'm Aquaman!_ Naruto thought for a moment. _…Why couldn't I be Batman? Hell, I'd even take Spider-man. Oh, well._

_Seriously_, interrupted the fish, _Where's my dad?_

_You're right, fish,_ thought Naruto as he ignored the fish, _I need something to get Kakashi off guard. But what?_

It was at that moment, that inspiration took its metaphorical baseball bat and whacked Naruto in the face with it. He came up with a brilliant plan that was sure to succeed.

…It was also that moment that Naruto remembered that he could not breathe underwater like the real Aquaman.

Coughing, sputtering, and choking, Naruto crawled back up the bank of the river. Kakashi took a break from reading his erotic fiction and looked curiously at Naruto. "You know," he said, "For someone who wants to be Hokage, you're not very good at fighting."

Naruto coughed and said, "For someone who is supposed to be our teacher, you're not very good at teaching."

Kakashi thought for a moment and said, "Lesson #1: When someone you don't know tells you not to eat breakfast, don't listen to them."

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke's stomachs all chose that moment to growl.

"I wish Mom had cooked breakfast." said Sasuke. He then realized what he was saying. "Oh…right."

"I think now was a bad time to go on that diet of air and imaginary food." mumbled Sakura.

"No fair!" said Naruto. "You distracted me with porn!"

"Did not!" cried an indignant Kakashi. "I distracted you with the fact that I was _reading _porn. Get it right." He started to walk away.

"Sensei?" said a hesitant Naruto. "One more thing."

Kakashi, without looking back, asked, "What?"

"Nothing…it's just…" began Naruto. "…SNEAK ATTACK MOTHERF**KER!"

No less than eight Narutos leaped out of the river and charged Kakashi. Kakashi, bored, simply kicked backwards and hit one of the Narutos in the face. As that clone poofed out of existence. As the smoke from clone #1's demise cleared, two more Narutos charged Kakashi.

Kakashi turned a page in his porno and said, "It doesn't matter what type of Jutsu you use against me…" He jumped up in the air and let the two Narutos punch each other. "…You're still just wasting your time."

Another Naruto leaped on his back and held him in place. "You sure about that?" Another Naruto leaped in the air to punch the captive Jonin…

…only to punch another Naruto in the face.

Up in the trees, Kakashi flipped to another page in the book and said, "…Yep. I'm pretty sure."

* * *

**Look at that, I updated.**

**And no, I did not steal the chapter title from a Youtube personality. (**_**Shifty Eyes**_**) You can't prove anything!**

…**Please don't sue me, Tobuscus…**


	7. Yeah, You Failed

**Naruto: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any ninja-related elements relating to it.**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Yeah, You Failed**

Naruto stared at the bloody mess that was Clone Naruto #4's face. "What the-?"

Clone Naruto #4 and #9 both crashed to the ground. #4 wiped the blood from his mouth and yelled, "Why'd you punch me, idiot? You're supposed to hit Kakashi!"

"I _did _hit Kakashi!" yelled Naruto. "Why'd you replace his face with yours?"

"I didn't do it, you moron!" hollered #4. "Why don't you look before you punch things?"

"Don't call me a moron, stupid."

"Don't call me stupid, friend!"

"Don't call me friend, pal!"

"DON'T CALL ME PAL, JACKASS!"

"Hey guys?" asked Naruto Clone Numero 9. "Maybe we should focus on finding Kakashi."

"Oh my god." said Naruto Clone #5. "You said something logical. You must be Kakashi in disguise!"

And with that bit of illogical logic, all of the Narutos started yelling and hitting each other.

In their hiding spots, Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi all watched the Narutos attack each other in confusion. _What…Just…Happened?_ They all thought to themselves.

"Hey." said a bloody Naruto Clone #7.

"What's up buddy?" asked Naruto the Original.

"Why don't we just drop the Jutsu? Then we'll be able to see if one of us really is Kakashi." suggested #7.

"Good thinking you handsome devil." said OG Naruto. He dropped the Shadow Clone Justsu and looked around. He was slightly disappointed that he was left alone in the clearing, but hey, at least he wasn't beating the crap out of himself anymore.

"That idiot." said Sasuke to himself. "Kakashi obviously used a Substitution Jutsu. It's where a ninja grabs a hold of a random object like a log or a small child and switches places with them so they get killed instead of the ninja." Sasuke paused and looked around for a moment. "Who…am I…talking to?"

Naruto looked around the clearing, hoping to spot his silver-haired Sensei. A gleaming object on the ground caught his eye. Near the base of a tree was a bell lying perfectly innocently in the middle of a rope circle.

Sakura spotted the bell as well. "What kind of dummy would fall for such an obvious trick?"

"Mine, suckers!" said Naruto as he ran towards the bell.

"Oh…right." mumbled Sakura.

As soon as Naruto stepped inside the rope, it tightened around his ankle and lifted him up in the air. As Naruto was hanging from the tree, Kakashi came over and picked up the bell.

Kakashi looked at Naruto and sighed, "I can't believe they want me to teach you…"

"Give me the bell!" said Naruto.

"No." replied Kakashi.

"Please?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"Ok."

"Really?"

"No."

"Damn."

"If you want a bell," said Kakashi, "You need to start thinking like a ninja."

"But I am a ninja!" whined Naruto.

"You sure don't act like it…" said Kakashi.

From up in the trees, Sasuke watched the two with a glare. _What is this feeling?_ he thought to himself, _I feel like murdering everything…AND I LIKE IT_. Giving in to his murderous urges, Sasuke threw knives, shurikens, and small twigs at Kakashi.

Oblivious to his impending danger, Kakashi continued to berate Naruto, "You're loud, you're smelly, and I'm pretty sure that outfit is the flashiest thing I have ever-" His insults were cut off when Sasuke's barrage of sharp objects stabbed him in the face.

"Wh-What?" screamed Naruto. "He said 'get the bells', Sasuke! Not 'send him to Hell'!"

Kakashi's bloody body disappeared in a poof of smoke and was replaced by some poor innocent log that had been brutally stabbed to death by Sasuke.

"Oh s**t." said Sasuke as he started to move. _I fell for his Substitution Jutsu! That means…I'm like Naruto!_ Sasuke shuddered at that thought.

Meanwhile, Sakura was also moving through the trees, though at a much more frantic pace than Sasuke. _I've got to find Sasuke!_ she thought to herself. _I must prove my love for him by getting in the way as he tries to steal a bell! _Sakura saw something silver out of the corner of her eye and stopped. As she looked down into the clearing below, she saw Kakashi reading his porn. _Good, he didn't see me. Now, to plan a sneak attack and grab one of those bells…_

"Psst…Sakura." said a voice behind her.

"What?" She whispered back. "I'm trying to figure out how to steal one of those bells."

"Interesting." said the voice. "Maybe you should sneak up behind him?"

"No…he'll see that coming." said Sakura. "If only Naruto were here. He could distract Kakashi with his stupidity."

"Hmm…I know!" said the voice. "You should get hit with a Genjutsu!"

"How would that help me get a bell?" asked Sakura as she turned around. Kakashi was right behind her, staring at her and standing uncomfortably close.

"It won't." Kakashi said.

Meanwhile, Naruto had grabbed a knife from his ninja-grade fanny pack, and cut the rope holding his ankle. "Who does he think he is? 'You need to start thinking like a ninja'. Give me a break." Naruto landed on the ground and said, "I'll never fall for one of his tricks again." Naruto noticed another bell lying innocently at the base of the tree. "BELL!" He yelled as he rushed towards it.

As Naruto fell for the exact same trap as before, Sakura found herself alone in another clearing.

"What? Where's Kakashi?" she asked as she looked frantically around her.

"Sakura…" said a familiar voice.

"SASUKE!" Sakura greeted as she turned around.

A horrifying sight met her eyes.

Sasuke was in a tux and was standing next to Ino, who was in a wedding dress. Ino smirked and said, "Guess who just got married?". She kissed Sasuke while Sakura watched in horror.

"NOOOO!" Screamed Sakura as she fainted.

Up in the trees, Kakashi flipped a page in his porno and said, "Wow. That was pathetically easy. Now then…" He put his porn back in his Ninja-Grade Fanny Pack and jumped off the branch.

Meanwhile, in yet another clearing, Sasuke turned towards the direction of Sakura's scream. "…Two down." he said to himself. "Good. Now I can grab the bells and-"

"You know," said a very familiar voice, "None of you are really doing a good job on getting these bells." Sasuke turned to see Kakashi leaning against a tree, once again looking at his porno. "Naruto fell into my trap…" Naruto's screams of frustration could be heard, "…For the third time. Sakura fell for my illusion of you marrying some other love-struck moron. And then there's you."

"I'm not like those other two idiots." said Sasuke. "And I should be the main character! I'm stronger than Naruto! I'm stronger than you!" Sasuke charged towards Kakashi. "SASUKE STRONGEST THERE IS!"

"Nope." said Kakashi as he tripped Sasuke.

Sasuke flipped in the air, landed on his feet, and threw several more sharp and pointy objects at Kakashi. Bored, Kakashi simply moved several inches to the left and the knives, shurikans, and meat cleavers whizzed past him.

"This is secondary character stuff." said Kakashi to an enraged Sasuke.

"Oh yeah?" Sasuke said as he pulled out a bottle of hot sauce. "Then try this!" He opened the hot sauce and started to chug it down.

"That's not really good for you." said Kakashi.

Meanwhile, Naruto was once again hanging upside-down from a tree; only this time the ropes were not only around his ankles, but around his middle and arms. Bored, he started moving around a bit until he spotted something strange.

"What's that over there?" said Naruto as he looked off into the distance. "OW! Ok," he said as he blinked rapidly, "That's the sun. Probably shouldn't look directly at that." He spotted a giant rock and gasped. "Hey, the lunches are on that rock! Kakashi's an idiot!" Naruto tried running over to the lunches, only to remember that he was still dangling upside-down. "…Forgot about that…"

Back in the other clearing, Sasuke had finished downing his bottle of hot sauce. "Ahh…" he said as he wiped his mouth, "Nothing else satisfies."

"Ok champ," said Kakashi, "Now that you've managed to destroy your insides, what's your next move?"

"This!" said Sasuke as he made gang sig-I mean ninja hand signs. "Fireball Jutsu!" He spat fire at Kakashi.

As the roaring blaze quickly set fire to the forest, Sasuke stopped his fire breathing and looked around for Kakashi. There was no silver-haired porno reading ninja anywhere to be found in the inferno. Sasuke looked wildly around; muttering to himself all the while. "Is he above me? Behind? No. Below? No that's stupid. To the sides? No…AHA, BEHIND ME! And no. Where is he?"

"BELOW YOU MOTHERF**KER!" screamed Kakashi as his hands grabbed Sasuke's ankles. He pulled down and Sasuke was sent falling into the ground. The next thing that Sasuke knew, he was buried up to the neck and Kakashi was standing before him.

"You suck." said Kakashi.

"All right…" said Sasuke. "We'll call it a draw."

"I can't stand Monty Python jokes, so I'm gonna go." said Kakashi.

"Come back here and fight! I'll bite your legs off!" yelled Sasuke.

As Kakashi walked away, he had a horrible feeling that he should get back to check on the lunches. He walked towards the giant rock in the middle of the clearing and looked behind it. Naruto was laughing to himself and saying, "…Now I'll just eat these lunches and-"

"And?" asked Kakashi.

Naruto froze. "…I mean, I'll eat these _breakfasts_ and I'll be ready to try and get some lunch."

"Oh, ok." said Kakashi. "I'll just be looking for those lunch- wait a minute." He turned back around. "Almost had me there."

"Eh, worth a shot." said Naruto.

Back to the clearing, Sasuke was beginning to get bored repeating movie quotes and settled for waiting for one of his idiot teammates to come and dig him out.

Right on cue, Sakura ran into the clearing. She spotted Sasuke buried up to the neck and paused for several seconds. Suddenly she screamed, "AHHH! ZOMBIE NINJA!" Then she fainted.

"…Zombie ninjas?" questioned Sasuke. "What a dumb idea."

Several minutes later, after Sakura had came to and dug Sasuke out, Sasuke stood up and said, "Well this has been 'fun', and by 'fun' I mean 'humiliating'. So I'm just gonna go."

"Are you still after that bell?" asked Sakura incredulously. "Why? We can just try again next year!"

"I am not getting held back!" yelled Sasuke. "I don't want to be in a class with a bunch of stupid babies who wet themselves and cry for their mommies!"

"Sasuke…they'd be the same age that we are now. We don't wet ourselves and cry for our mommies. Well except that guy we use for shuriken target practice…"

"…" Sasuke was silent for a few moments. "…There's someone I want to kill…"

Sakura raised her eyebrows. "…You are really random today…"

"…I think it's the hot sauce."

"O…kay…Who do you want to kill?" asked Sakura.

"…He made me cry…"

"Dude. Just answer my f**king question, okay?" asked an annoyed Sakura.

"I'M AN AVENGER!" Yelled Sasuke.

The timer went off, indicating that the two had talked through whatever time they had left to get the bells.

"AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!" Yelled Sasuke as he ran off. Sakura, feeling a massive headache forming, followed him.

Ten minutes later, Sakura and Sasuke were sitting by the log that Naruto was tied to.

Kakashi observed the three Genins in front of him. "…You guys are not very good ninjas are you?"

"I blame Sasuke." said Naruto.

"Shut up, you sorry excuse for a woman." said Sasuke.

"You tell him, Sasuke!" said Sakura.

"I was talking to you!" yelled Sasuke.

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!" yelled Kakashi. "YOU'RE NOT ONLY FAILURES AS NINJAS, BUT AS HUMAN BEINGS AS WELL! YOU'RE NOT GOING BACK TO THE ACADEMY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE NINJAS EVER AGAIN!"

"Say what?" asked Naruto.

Kakashi cleared his throat and lowered his voice. "You guys aren't going to be able to be ninjas anymore."

"Oh." said Naruto.

Several minutes pass.

"…WHAT?" screamed Naruto.

"You can't do that!" screamed Sakura.

"I NEVER SAW PARIS!" yelled Sasuke.

"Too bad." said Kakashi.

Meanwhile, back in the village, the Hokage was in the middle of his "Totally-Straight-Not-Gay-Man-Date" with Iruka.

"Iruka, why the devil did you want me to eat at this crappy restaurant?" grumbled the Third Hokage.

"…This is my cousin's restaurant." said Iruka.

"…Iruka, why the devil did you want me to eat at this crappy restaurant?" grumbled the Third Hokage.

Iruka sighed and said, "I'll be straight with you…"

"Are you gay?" asked the Third Hokage.

"I-what?"

"Are…you…gay?" said the Third Hokage slowly.

"No. No! Why would you ask that?" asked Iruka.

"Well, you said that you wanted to be straight with me." explained the Third. "That implies that you haven't been straight with me for all of our other conversations. And if you're not straight, you're gay. Or bisexual. Are you bisexual?"

"No! I'm not gay or bisexual!" said Iruka.

"Oh, okay." said the Third Hokage. "…Are you absolutely sure?"

"YES! I LIKE WOMEN!" screamed Iruka, drawing the questioning stares from the other restaurant.

"Calm down spaz." commanded the Third Hokage. "Now, what did you want to talk about."

"Okay. I'll be…" Iruka paused before continuing, "…_honest_ with you. I'm worried about Naruto's team. What chance do they have at passing Kakashi's test?"

The Hokage thought for a moment. "I'd say…about…maybe…0%."

Iruka sighed in relief. "Oh thank God. I thought for a minute that they weren't…" Iruka paused. "…Did you just say 0%?" he asked.

"Technically it's 0.00000000000000002%." said the Hokage. "I did the numbers."

Back in the training field, Naruto was screaming. "What do you mean, we won't get to be ninjas anymore?"

"I mean that you won't be able to be ninjas, you won't be able to do ninjutsu, and you'll have to turn in your forehead protectors and never disgrace the name of shinobi ever ever again." explained Kakashi calmly.

Sasuke, seeing that his opportunity to be badass had arisen, ran towards Kakashi with the intent to kill/maim/tickle. Unfortunately for him, Kakashi grabbed him, threw him to the ground, and sat on him.

Sakura was torn between being horrified that her crush was getting sat on, or feeling an overpowering urge to write Yaoi fanfiction.

"This is what I'm talking about." said Kakashi. "You can't even kill someone! When I was your age I was killing people like it was going out of style." He sighed and gave a glare at the other two. "Do you guys even recognize the point of this test? Do you even understand why you're in separate teams?"

"…To inspire crazy fans to write stories and draw picutres of us in threesomes?" answered Naruto.

"…Besides that." said Kakashi.

"What is it?" asked Sakura. "What's the point of this test? Why are we in teams?"

"…You're kidding me, right?" asked Kakashi. "You really don't get it?"

"Well…what is it?" asked Naruto.

"The point of this test…" said Kakashi, "Is teamwork, you f**king idiots. If you had acted like a team, you could have gotten the bells."

It was at that moment that Sakura remembered that she could count. "But wait!" she said. "Why are there only two bells then? One of us wouldn't have been able to get a bell!"

"Duh." said Kakashi as he rolled his eye. "This test was meant to make you fight amongst yourselves and tear each other apart like little adrenaline addled serial killers."

"Say what?" asked Naruto.

"DON'T MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF!" yelled Kakashi. He glared at Naruto before saying, "The point was that after you guys had potentially maimed one another, that at least one of you would have enough brains to sacrifice your own selfish interests for the good of the team and suggest teamwork."

"We did work as a team!" retorted Sakura.

"Bulls**t." said Kakashi. "Sakura, you let your teenaged hormones get in the way and focused on finding Sasuke, while you ignored Naruto. Naruto, God knows what was going through your brains, but you seemed to only care about charging in without either of your teammates. And Sasuke…" Kakashi looked down at the Genin, "You rightfully assumed that the other two were idiots, but instead of accepting that and working with them, you tried to do everything by yourself."

Kakashi turned a beady eye towards the other two. "As ninjas we accept missions for the village. That's our job. And while individual strength and skill are important for these missions, the one thing that can guarantee a mission's success is how you work as a team. Going off on your own and ignoring the team can not only get you stupidly killed, but your stupidity can also get your entire team killed." Kakashi pulled a knife out of his Ninja-Grade-Fanny-Pack. "For example…" He held the knife to Sasuke's throat. "Sakura! Cut off Naruto's hair or Sasuke dies!"

"NOT MY FUTURE HUBBY!" Screamed Sakura.

"NOT MY GOLDEN LOCKS!" Shrieked Naruto.

"…And that is what the enemy will do to you if they get one of you as a hostage." Kakashi said as he pulled the knife away from Sasuke. He got back up on his feet. "They'll force one of you do to something humiliating and stupid and just kill you anyway."

Sasuke gave Kakashi a glare as he stood up and walked back to his teammates.

Kakashi walked over to the giant rock. "Look at this. Look at this." He pointed to the carvings on the rock. "Seriously. Look at this s**t. These are the names of ninjas that are recognized as heroes to the village."

Naruto's ears perked up as he yelled, "Hero? HERO? I WANNA BE A HERO! My new dream is to get on that stone!"

"…You might just get that chance, you little twit." said Kakashi. "But these aren't normal heroes."

"What kind of heroes are they?" asked a gleeful Naruto. "Are they Super-Special-Aw-"

"They are ninjas who died on missions for the sake of the village." said Kakashi.

Naruto's smile disappeared. "Sensei?" he said quietly.

"Yes?"

"I don't think I want to be on that rock."

"Hmm." Hmmed Kakashi. "This giant ugly-ass rock is a memorial. The name of my best friend is written on here."

(_Flashback_)

"Hey. Hey." said a spikey haired kid with goggles and black hair. "Hey. Kakashi. Hey, Kakashi. Kakashi! Hey! Kakashi! KAKASHI!"

"WHAT THE F**K IS IT, OBITO!" Screamed a teenaged two-eyed Kakashi.

"…Hi!" said Obito.

"…Hi." said Kakashi.

(_End Flashback_)

Present-day Kakashi turned back to the three Genin. "Look. I'll give you guys one more shot to try to un-f**k yourselves. But be warned. After lunch, it'll be even tougher to get the bells. Sakura and Sasuke, since you two have annoyed me significantly less than Naruto has, you two can eat lunch. Naruto, you can't eat anything."

"But-"

"Don't throw your 'buts' at me mister!" said Kakashi. "It's your own fault for trying to eat them earlier, you fat little orange thing." Kakashi turned to the other two. "If either of you gives Naruto a single crumb, I will fail all three of you. This is not a democracy. It is a dictatorship."

"…" Naruto was silent for a moment. "…Nice Remember the Titans reference, Sensei."

"It was, wasn't it?" said Kakashi proudly. "I love Denzel Washington. Anyway, I'll be back in a minute." He jumped away.

As Sakura and Sasuke dug into their lunch, Naruto was saying loudly, "It's fine! I don't even need lunch! I survive on the terror of my enemies!" Naruto's boasts were cut short by his stomach growling loudly. "Curses! Betrayed by my own insides!"

"Naruto." said Sasuke. "If it'll shut both you and your insides up, you can have some of my lunch." He held out his boxed lunch.

"Sasuke! What are you doing?" asked Sakura, food flying out of her mouth.

"Kakashi's not here. And if we don't give Naruto food, he'll just start bitching and ruin any chance we have of launching a surprise attack on Kakashi." explained Sasuke.

Sakura looked down at her lunch and then back at Sasuke. Then she looked back at her lunch. And then at Naruto. And then the lunch. And then Sasuke. And then Naruto. And then the lunch. Sighing in defeat, Sakura held out her boxed lunch as well and said, "Fine. If we fail, we're getting kicked out of the ninja business anyway."

A massive explosion…well, _exploded_ in front of them. Kakashi burst forward out of the smoke and said in a demonic voice, "YOU THREE LITTLE BASTARDS…"

Naruto and Sakura screamed while Sasuke prepared to unleash a massive beat down on someone in his general vicinity.

"Pass."

All three of the teenagers heads turned towards their Sensei. "Wh-What?" asked Sakura.

"You guys pass." said Kakashi.

"Really?" asked Naruto.

"NO!" said Kakashi in his demon voice.

Sakura and Naruto screamed again.

"But yes, you really did pass." said Kakashi in his normal voice.

"…I think I just peed my pants." muttered Naruto.

"Why did we pass?" asked Sakura, stupidly questioning their good luck.

"Because, you guys were the first to disobey me and take care of the stupid third teammate, the one that got caught trying to cheat and eat lunch first."

"That's me!" cheered Naruto.

"It sure is, Naruto." said Kakashi happily. "It sure is." He adopted a more serious tone. "You see, children, those in the ninja world who break rules are f**kers, it's true. But those who let those rules get in the way of their comrades are even worse than f**kers. They're like…like…super-mega-ultra f**kers." He turned towards the three happy (or in Sasuke's case, apathetic) teenagers. "Tomorrow we begin our first missions as Team #7."

"WHOO-HOO!" cheered Naruto and Sakura.

"…Yay." said an unenthused Sasuke.

"Now we celebrate by burning our loudest teammate at the stake!" said Kakashi.

"WHOO-HOO!" Cheered Sakura.

"…Hoorah." said a bored Sasuke.

"Wait, what?" asked Naruto.

* * *

**Our boy's all grown up and is going to kill people for the rest of his life. *Sniff* I'm so proud!**

**Makes you forget all about that killer fox demon that's living in his belly, doesn't it?**

**Comment, complain, or castrate by using that handy little review button.**


	8. Like A Fine Whine

**Naruto: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything associated with it.**

* * *

**Chapter 7: Like a Fine Whine**

"OK!" yelled Naruto as Team 7 barged into the Mission Acceptance room in the Hokage's tower. "We need a new mission!"

The Hokage took a whiff of the fumes that his pipe was emitting and said, "Ok…let me see…" He lifted up a piece of paper and read, "Ok…ok….Team 7! Ah! Ok! Here we go!" He handed the paper to Iruka. "Tell 'em what their mission is, slave!"

Iruka looked to the Hokage and asked, "Um, Lord Hokage? Shouldn't I be back at the Academy? So I can, oh I don't know, ACTUALLY DO THE JOB YOU PAY ME FOR?"

"Hm?" grunted the Hokage. "Oh! The Academy. Yeah, I had that shut down."

"YOU WHAT?" asked a shocked Iruka. "Wh-Why?"

"For summer vacation!" answered The Third Hokage. "Duh!"

"But…but it's the middle of March!" protested Iruka.

"Iruka, how many times do I have to tell you?" asked the Hokage. "School is for loooooosers."

"But-"

"Um, Iruka-Sensei?" asked Sakura. "Can we have our mission now?"

Iruka sighed. "Fine." He grabbed the paper and glanced at it. "Team 7, your mission is to pick up the Hokage's dry cleaning and-"

"Ok, f**k all that noise."said Naruto. "What's our real mission? I mean, I want the Hokage to be in clean clothes as much as the next guy…"

"I ran out of clean underwear," the Hokage interrupted, "So I just stopped wearing any."

"You're going commando too?" asked Kakashi.

"ANYWAY," continued Naruto, "We've been doing crappy missions for three straight weeks! We need a mission that's exciting and one that only ninjas can complete! I mean, last week we had to find a freaking cat for God's sake!"

"Hey!" shouted the Hokage. "Mr. Whiskers killed three of my best men before you caught him!"

"Your 'three men' were all mice!" yelled Naruto. "Of course Mr. Whiskers was going to kill them!"

"Kakashi?" asked Iruka. "Are you really going commando?"

"Sometimes you just gotta free-ball it, bro." affirmed Kakashi.

"I WANT A DANGEROUS MISSION!" hollered Naruto. "ONE WITH EXCITEMENT, DANGER, AND EXCITING DANGER!"

"WOULD YOU STOP YELLING!" Yelled Sakura. "IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANNOYING!"

_Maybe these idiots will get themselves killed if we have a dangerous mission, _thought Sasuke,_ And then I can finally get some peace and quiet!_ "I think we should have a difficult mission as well." he said out loud.

"Look guys." said Iruka. "You're just starting out. Everybody has to do the crappy jobs at first. You have to work your way up to start getting more responsibility."

"BUT I WANT TO KILL SOMEBODY NOW!" whined Naruto.

"HOHOHOJOHOHO!" Laughed the Hokage. "Genin like you three," he pointed to Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura, "Get D rank missions. D stands for d*cks. You three are d*cks. You all have d*cks! So you get the D*ck Rank Missions!"

"I'm a girl…" said Sakura.

"D*CKS!" screamed the Hokage. "And once you complete your D*ck Rank Mission, you will get paid by whoever ordered the D*ck Rank Mission."

"I DON'T CARE!" Yelled Naruto. "I'M GOING TO HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL I GET A BETTER MISSION!" He sat down, puffed out his cheeks, and stopped breathing.

"Naruto! Stop acting like a child!" Iruka scolded.

Naruto's sat in silence.

"No matter what you do, I'm not giving you a higher level mission." said the Hokage.

Naruto's face turned red in response.

"…Hey. Stop it. Stop holding your breath." said the Hokage.

Naruto's face turned purple.

"As Hokage, I order you to stop holding your breath!"

Naruto's face turned blue.

"OK, FINE! I'LL GIVE YOU A HIGHER RANK MISSION! JUST START BREATHING!" screamed the Hokage.

Naruto let out his breath and started to cough. "I knew _cough_ that I'd win!"

"Fine. I'll give you a C-Rank mission. Happy?" said the Hokage.

"What does the C stand for?" asked Sakura.

"It stands for 'Can You Believe That This Isn't A D*ck Rank Mission?'" answered the Hokage. "Now stop interrupting me, little boy."

"I keep telling you, I'm a girl!"

"That's nice. Anyway, you schmucks have to escort somebody and protect them."

"Somebody? Who is it?" asked Naruto. "Who? Who? Who is it? Who is it? WHO IS IT?"

"Settle down, spaz." said the Hokage. "He's coming in now."

The door was suddenly kicked down as an old man clutching a beer bottle wandered into the room. "Where's the damn bathroom in this place?" he shouted.

"Down the hall and to the right." said Iruka.

"Too late!" growled the old man. "And what's this?" He pointed to Team 7. "These little brats are going to escort me? Ha! They should be in school! That's the problem with this country these days…"

"This is Mr. Tazuna!" said the Hokage. "You're to escort him back to his home."

"I thought I paid for ninjas! Not clowns!" Tazuna pointed to Naruto. "And this little stupid lookin' one doesn't look like he knows which end of the knife goes into the bad guys!"

"Duh!" said Naruto. "It's the pointy side!" He thought for a moment. "Or is it the other side? I can never remember…"

"And what's with all of the goddamn orange?" said Tazuna. "I thought ninjas are supposed to be stealthy!"

"Why should I try to hide myself? I'm awesome and all of my enemies deserve to look at my awesomeness!" Naruto rebutted.

"Stop bouncing around!" ordered Tazuna. "You look like you're on meth."

"Stop being old!" shouted Naruto. "You look like you're ugly!"

"So…have fun." said the Hokage to Kakashi.

Kakashi put his head in his hands and muttered, "God, why me?"

* * *

**Just a brief introduction to the next story arc. **

**By the way, the D in D-rank stands for ducks.**

**Comment, complain, or groin punch via a review.**


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